A bad trip to the doctor

A friend recently went to the doctor for his annual. He exercises 2-3times a week (long, strenuous bike rides) and is generally healthy, but could lose a little bit of weight. The doctor discusses his diet, how he's feeling, how he's sleeping -- the usual questions. The doctor learns that he hasn't been sleeping well, is experiencing substantial but "normal" life stress (still enough to effect his sleep), has an average, but not super healthy diet and once a week has a third or fourth glass of wine. This also happens to be the same conversation my friend and his doctor had five times in the last five years. So, what does the doctor say? What should the doctor say?

The doctor proceeds with a list of "shoulds" all of which have been said before (exercise a bit more, eat healthier, drink a bit less, "work" on healthier sleep habits, see a nutritionist; fortunately no armchair Paxil program). These were all well-intended suggestions. But will my friend return a year later thinner, with a healthy diet, sleeping well and experiencing less stress? Did the doctor really stop to ask him/herself why my friend wasn't taking care of himself? What was holding my friend back from doing what he probably already knew?

Many of us eat too much, don't eat well, drink moderately but more than we should, don't exercise enough, need to lose weight, and few of us are successful in changing these habits. Why don't we, when we know what we need to do? Why are we engaging in these unhealthy habits (I almost wrote "bad habits" which would have been quite telling). Maybe our judgment leads us to think we don't deserve care from ourselves. We're trying to wash away our pain by drinking and eating. We can't offer ourselves the compassion that we need, to believe that we "deserve" our own care and love. How can we possibly take care of our anxious minds and unhealthy bodies, without having compassion for ourselves and our suffering?

It takes a lot of courage for us to face our suffering and the truth that sits behind behind it. The doctor didn't understand this problem, didn't help my friend understand this problem and didn't help my friend find a path forward. Instead, the well-intended doctor added more "shoulds" and the kick in the pants, although well intended, didn't help my friend start down a path of compassionate healing. My friend's internal judgment was reinforced and his compassion was burried a bit deeper. Maybe what he really needed was a few questions about what was holding him back from making the changes he already knew that he needed to make. If only the doctor had the time (and many truly do not have the time) to be an attentive and compassionate listener, instead of doing what time affords -- write a prescription and offer some accurate, but not so helpful advice. If only we trained doctors to be healers of suffering instead of body engineers and pain soothers.