A bad trip to the doctor

A friend recently went to the doctor for his annual. He exercises 2-3times a week (long, strenuous bike rides) and is generally healthy, but could lose a little bit of weight. The doctor discusses his diet, how he's feeling, how he's sleeping -- the usual questions. The doctor learns that he hasn't been sleeping well, is experiencing substantial but "normal" life stress (still enough to effect his sleep), has an average, but not super healthy diet and once a week has a third or fourth glass of wine. This also happens to be the same conversation my friend and his doctor had five times in the last five years. So, what does the doctor say? What should the doctor say?

The doctor proceeds with a list of "shoulds" all of which have been said before (exercise a bit more, eat healthier, drink a bit less, "work" on healthier sleep habits, see a nutritionist; fortunately no armchair Paxil program). These were all well-intended suggestions. But will my friend return a year later thinner, with a healthy diet, sleeping well and experiencing less stress? Did the doctor really stop to ask him/herself why my friend wasn't taking care of himself? What was holding my friend back from doing what he probably already knew?

Many of us eat too much, don't eat well, drink moderately but more than we should, don't exercise enough, need to lose weight, and few of us are successful in changing these habits. Why don't we, when we know what we need to do? Why are we engaging in these unhealthy habits (I almost wrote "bad habits" which would have been quite telling). Maybe our judgment leads us to think we don't deserve care from ourselves. We're trying to wash away our pain by drinking and eating. We can't offer ourselves the compassion that we need, to believe that we "deserve" our own care and love. How can we possibly take care of our anxious minds and unhealthy bodies, without having compassion for ourselves and our suffering?

It takes a lot of courage for us to face our suffering and the truth that sits behind behind it. The doctor didn't understand this problem, didn't help my friend understand this problem and didn't help my friend find a path forward. Instead, the well-intended doctor added more "shoulds" and the kick in the pants, although well intended, didn't help my friend start down a path of compassionate healing. My friend's internal judgment was reinforced and his compassion was burried a bit deeper. Maybe what he really needed was a few questions about what was holding him back from making the changes he already knew that he needed to make. If only the doctor had the time (and many truly do not have the time) to be an attentive and compassionate listener, instead of doing what time affords -- write a prescription and offer some accurate, but not so helpful advice. If only we trained doctors to be healers of suffering instead of body engineers and pain soothers.

Telling stories...changing stories...am I changing

A recent realization...

I've been laboring (yes it feels like laboring) for the last several years, trying to become more compassionate and more loving. I've been working to change my career from a business guy resting upon his ego to a compassionate doer of something good. I ended my business career two years ago. I worked for a non-profit for a year. I spent a year doing nothing but contemplating, wondering, investigating, trying to meditate, probably spending most of my time testing my narcissistic potential. I made a decision for a new path in work (become a counselor), something that would most certainly change me from being the ego-centric business guy I once was into the loving, giving soul that I wanted to be.

The problem would seem to be that instead of really changing, I've traded one ego in for another one. I find myself judging (mostly in my mind) the people who do what I used to do, who live the way I used to live ("selfish, money-centric people"). I'm grasping to rationalize my decision. I'm struggling to justify my new self....my new ego. So it would seem I may not have really changed that much. Maybe my act of trying to change was misplaced or misunderstood. Maybe I didn't understand what it meant to change.

So, what have I learned? Perhaps an old lesson that's been told to me in many different ways (as in "you can't run away from your problems" or "changing what you have or what you do won't make you happy"), but I never fully understood. It would seem that altering my environment can only be a vehicle for helping me to change internally. "Healthier" environments may make it easier for me to be myself, but if I behave and think in the same ways, I won't have changed at all (e.g., I'll be a judgmental do-gooder instead of a judgmental business guy). So real change may only come from how I understand and relate through my soul and awareness. Are my spiritual pursuits an adjunct to my life or are they at the center of all I do (in which case it won't matter what I do. I can be a spiritual business guy, a spiritual counselor or a spiritual short order cook)? Do I understand and react from my ego or from a place of spiritual awareness? These would seem to be the important questions for me today.

So, my current pursuit is probably building the next generation of my ego, an ego of awareness (aware Jim), and I guess I'll see where that takes me.